to Become the Perfect Student
In Ten Easy Steps
If you think this is all the information you need to know to become
the model student that everyone strives to be, you are right. After youíve
finished reading this, youíll have what it takes to be the resident
genius. The problem with becoming the perfect student is that people see
becoming the perfect student as a combination of intelligence, hard work,
and a natural learning aptitude Ė aspects that the average teenager could
never possibly display. However, after reading this article you will plainly
see that being the perfect student is not so much having an education as
much as it is learning how to do things without working yourself. (Note:
Only applies to being a student in high school and below. For those in
college, refer to The Ugly section in Smart People at
1. You already have the potential in you
to be a perfect student. It may not appear to be true right now, but as long
as you fool yourself into thinking youíre smart, thatís all that
matters. You donít need to display your smarts, you just have to have a
pretty good feeling that, if you had to, you probably could. Itís not so
much that you canít trust your own intelligence as much as it is being a
lot easier to rely on the illusion that youíre smart. Deceiving
yourself is the key.
2. Very little is said in school that is
important. Whether itís spoken by teachers, fellow classmates, or even
yourself, chances are that itís not worth hearing. So do not be afraid if
you are asked a question that you donít know the answer to, just give any
answer and you will be commended for your effort. Blurting out senseless
strings of syllables is preferable. As long as your mouth is moving, people
will think you know what youíre talking about. Talking
excessively is the key.
3. If you intend to learn anything at all,
make sure it is actually out of school. Studies have shown that the school
environment, teachers, and especially cafeteria food all have a negative
effect on a studentís ability to concentrate. The real education in you
receive should come from real life, like sitcoms. Television
is the key.
4. More than being a good student, you
have to look like a good student, physically and socially. This means
spending hours at a time working on your looks, because how smart will
people think you are if you donít have shiny nails? Similarly, you must
spend lots of time doing extracurricular activities so you will have the
image of a productive go-getter. If sports arenít your thing and you tend
to avoid clubs with high standards, join SADD or something. Image
is the key.
5. Make sure you sit with your friends in class. That way, youíll be
so busy doing the important things like talking about the mall and passing
notes around that your teacher will assume that you have everything under
control and are very prepared for the upcoming test. This works especially
well if you all have loud, high pitched voices, so the other students in the
class will be too distracted to surpass your perfect student image. Sitting
with friends is the key.
6. Carry as many textbooks as you can.
Admittedly, theyíre not very useful for after-school activities and even
less useful for studying. However, if youíre the kind of person who loses
your backpack because itís too light, or if you ever find yourself
stranded in Alaska with nothing else that you can burn to keep yourself from
dying, these books will come in extremely handy, and youíll be glad you
carried them everywhere. Heavy Books
are the key.
7. Despite what you may think, grades are
actually an important part to being a good student. However, you are wrong
if you think that itís all about getting assignments turned in on time and
doing well on exams. If you try to get good grades in this manner, you will
probably find yourself lacking. Do not be alarmed, this does not mean that
you are a bad student. What most people donít know is that you can improve
your grades significantly if you learn to ignore them. Let your grades slip,
donít change your lazy habits, and especially donít discuss them with
the teacher. You will find that your grades miraculously improve over the
marking period. Whether this is due to some natural law of ignorance, or
lack of teacher oversight of their tracking of your grades, nobody is sure.
But the fact is, the less work you do, the better off you are. Bad
grades are the key.
8. Always remember that you are above
everyone else in the class. It is not important whether this is true or not,
whatís important is that you carry yourself as such. Interrupt the teacher
on a regular basis. Make random suggestions like having a free day, or make
loud inhuman noises to incite the class into an uproar. Play a game of
cards. Just give the impression that you are above any efforts to learn.
This is a very common practice among the model students. Arrogance
is the key.
9. Spend as little time in the classroom
as possible. Be late to class, linger in the hallways, go out to eat for
lunch, skip school, whatever. The less youíre in the class, the better off
youíll be. That way, the teacher will have less chance he will test how
smart you really are, and thatís probably for the best.
Not being in school is the key.
10. Do things that demonstrate your
intelligence. Turn in projects that are twice as long as assigned,
participate in competitions that display your cunning and prowess, write an
article in the local newspaper where you expertly spread your acquired
knowledge to those less fortunate intellectually than you in a bid to gain
some scrap of dignity despite the subconscious suspicion that itíll only
fail and end up backfiring, or some other task along those lines. If you
donít have any skills to display, it may help to wear flashy clothes. Showing
off is the key.
Thatís all there is to being the perfect student. Keep all of these
rules in mind and youíll be on your way to living the high life. If anyone
knows more about being the perfect student without doing any actual work,
itís me. However, if you think that this is all the information you need
to know to become the model student that everyone strives to be, you are